H. QUYNH NGUYEN: 365 Days Project | Part 26

Saturday, 29 April 2017

365 Days Project | Part 26


221/365, Routine: My routine of the last few months was to worry about my future. A lot. I finished my last diary with these fears and spammed my new one (which is on a private online blog this time) with them too, so in case someone hacked the site, they'd only read about my anxieties basically. I applied for universities with many self-doubts. Will I be good enough? Is this what I'm supposed to do? Am I wasting my time? I underestimated time when I realized that there wasn't enough time left to create a portfolio and I ended up submitting work that I wasn't convinced of at all. After learning about that, I shut myself up from the online world and didn't see or messaged any friends for weeks since I wanted to have a portfolio that was really representing myself and my work. I worked at my internship on the day and on my portfolio at night. I barely slept. Didn't manage to post on here, Youtube or any social media like I usually did. I was really, really stressed out but my fears got me going. This was my routine until this month.


222/365, Deadline: So what has broken this routine? The deadline of my favourite university. Due to my persistence, I did have a portfolio to show - even though I wasn't fully pleased with every piece in it. But you know, that happens when you don't have enough time to start over or to try something different. I even ended up including work I did for this project or YouTube. Work I personally liked and work that meant something to me. I was so nervous and anxious because my whole portfolio was me (literally, because I chose the topic "self-portrait" since I spent my entire life figuring out who I am and expressing this journey through my arts) and a rejection would mean a rejection of me. I even worked on my last piece on the bus to the uni. A long bus ride meant a long time thinking and a long time overthinking.


224, 225/365, Doubts & Failures: I don't know how tense I was that night after submitting my portfolio and homework. It made me a bit sad when I saw the really long queue of applicants and especially when I saw how much I liked the uni and the profs that I had a short conversation about my name with when I submitted. Long story short: It was enough. It was really good enough and I was invited to the interview that would go terrible for me. Terrible because I was so nervous that my whole body was shaking (I wanted to get in so much) and because the two other applicants next to me during the interview were so so so experienced and extraverted and confident and really, just perfect while I told the profs how I didn't know anything about my future or that I'm just really lost and confused and don't really like to talk. The truth, but not really something one should say in an important interview.


223/365, The Advocate: I never had a good job interview in my life but somehow it always worked out in the end and I always got the spot. My dad told me that the reason for that is that when people listen to me, they see a humble, honest and authentic person but he might also be very bias. For me, I'm always just very anxious to the point that one time, someone adviced me to see a therapist - but that's just how my mind and body work. They overreact when I really care about something. I am a person that feels emotions in a too exaggerated way and that's just who I am.


226, 227/365, Srrlsm: You might see what I'm about to say here. Even though my interview was a real mess, I did get a spot in my favourite uni. I did get in and writing this is still so surreal. When I told my friends this, I was first so relieved and I was so surprised too because every one of them said that they already knew and already assumed that I'd get in. My dad said that when I told him about the interview, he knew that I'll get the spot. My coworkers were so sweet and so many people congratulated me and some reaaally exaggerated in saying I'll make it big someday - even the ones I barely knew. I realized how grateful I am to have so many people supporting me and my arts and knowing that made me so emotional (yes, I may have shed some tears because of this support and I'm not ashamed of it).


228/365, Change: So, what does this far too long post mean? To go by facts: I'm gonna move to one of my favourite cities this fall to study my first study choice at my favourite uni. Berlin + communication design (something I'd only hoped to be enough for in the first try and without professional help) and I couldn't be happier. The film festival we're working so hard for now is gonna be in two (!) weeks. I've been driving around my state these weeks to film for it. My internship is gonna end next month too and I'll spend my summer making art and meeting friends and travelling a lot with them. I'm so frickin' excited and I can't believe how lucky I am to have this life.

NOTES:
This post was basically just an update on what happened in my life and what still will happen in my life. I'm very happy to pick up this challenge again and to finish it this summer. A lot is planned, some trips are already booked, I'm definitely not ready to enter my new life stage but I'll try to be the best me I can be and maybe it's gonna work out somehow. Thank you for reading this and thank you for following my journey through this, I like you a lot and I hope you are happy where you are, I really do.

10 comments:

  1. Liebe Quynh... es tut mir wirklich sehr leid, dass du so viel Stress hattest und die ganze Zeit unter Selbstzweifeln gelitten hast. Ich habe auch immer an mir gezweifelt und hatte Angst, nicht gut genug zu sein, als ich mich von 1,5 Jahren für mein Studium bewerben musste... aber ich bi mir sicher, dass bei dir alles gut wird, denn deine Werke, die ich bisher gesehen habe, begeistern und faszinieren mich allesamt!

    Dass du Selbstportraits in deinem Portfolio zeigst, finde ich richtig passend! Auch hier zeigst du ja oft Bilder von dir, die deine Gefühle spiegeln - und das gelingt nicht jedem so gut wie dir.

    Deine Probleme mit Jobinterviews kann ich so gut nachvollziehen... Ich bin da auch nie selbstbewusst...
    Aber ich gratuliere dir, dass es geklappt hat!!! Super, dass all deine Mühe es wert war.

    Liebe Grüße - ich wünsche dir eine ganz wundervolle Zeit nach all diesen Strapazen!

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    1. Ganz, ganz, ganz viel Liebe an dich, Tabea!

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  2. Glückwunsch, dass es geklappt hat! <3 Nach jahrelangem Lesen ist es wirklich schön zu sehen, wie du dem, was du machen wolltest, wofür du lebtest, näher und näher gekommen bist. (: Gerade weil ich in meinem eigenen Umfeld mitbekam, wie zermürbend so eine Mappe und ein Eignungstest sein können und wie viel man von sich selbst reininvestiert, war ich am Ende des Textes äußert erleichtert, dass es klappte. Bist du dann an der HTW? Wenn ja, lass mal was hören! n_n

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    1. Ach, wie schön, dass es jemanden gibt, der mich und mein Leben tatsächlich schon so (und wahrscheinlich zu) lange folgt. Aber danke, danke, danke! Ja, es ist durchaus die HTW geworden (war das jetzt eigentlich offensichtlich oder habe ich Leute aus deinem Umfeld bald als Kommilitonen?).

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    2. Nicht ganz. Ich studiere dort, allerdings in einem anderen Fachbereich. Durch Leute in meinem Umfeld weiß ich allerdings, wo man Kommunikationsdesign in Berlin studieren kann. :D

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    3. Ahhh, wie cool, vielleicht läuft man sich dann mal übern Weg! :D Was studierst du, wenn ich fragen darf? Und dann gefällt deinen Leuten die HTW nicht so, was KD betrifft, wenn sie sich für eine andere Hochschule entschieden haben?

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    4. Das wär wirklich witzig! Sind dann höchstwahrscheinlich auch auf einem Campus. (: Ich studiere Angewandte Informatik, 2. Semester. In einem Fall wurde eine andere Stadt bevorzugt, im anderen Fall ein anderer Studiengang. Muss allerdings auch gestehen, dass ich mich nicht so auskenne (gibt ja noch UdK und Weißensee, was staatlich wäre), dass ich sagen könnte, ich hätte Schlechtes bzw. Gutes von dem Studiengang gehört.

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    5. Geil, aber da ich dein Gesicht nicht kenne, musst du mir unbedingt Hallo sagen, wenn du mich siehst! Kein Problem, ich kenn mich auch null in Informatik aus. :D Aber ja, Weißensee und UdK - sind beides aber so wirklich reine Kunsthochschulen, wo ich schon beim Betreten der Gebäude von hohen Nasen und Abstraktheit, die ich nicht verstanden habe, eingeschüchtert wurde, hahah.

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  3. Always so thoughtful!! :) <3

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