h. quynh nguyen: I wouldn't have written this if it had been for school.

April 30, 2016

I wouldn't have written this if it had been for school.

 I can not say that I still can't believe that my high school days are over. Or that I'm sad or nostalgic. That time really flew by and that I'm already missing it. All these things that I've heard so often recently. I cannot say that. Maybe I will eventually, in a few months or even years. But not now. Because I am happy. I'm really, really, really happy that I don't need to sit out my time at school anymore because that's what I did - especially in those last semesters. I know - education is key and it is important and I'm grateful that I was/am able to experience that. But something is really wrong with this system when you don't get enough sleep because you've had class to 4pm and then loads of homework to do while you were still trying to work on out of school projects or just wanted to have some free time - let be the time you needed to study for tests and exams every day. When the pressure was on because you had to achieve a certain score and the stress was creeping in every pore of you, so that you had to stay home because you literally had mental breakdowns but no, that only led to more extra work, so you tried to force yourself to go to school week by week by week. It's just wrong and this is not what education should look like.

I don't know if that's just concerning my personal life here because, like I said, I've heard a lot of positive things about school from my classmates and other graduates lately. And I've told myself a lot of times that it was just me. Maybe I'm just not shaped for this system, I always thought. But it's not actually true, this education system is just not shaped for us. And I don't mean it in that way that we're getting lazy like I've heard a lot of (older) people say. I mean it in that way that in this century, there are a lot more factors to it than just grades and degrees which are crucial to our future or just our identity. Let me tell you that I love to write and take photographs and make videos and that all these things influenced the person I am now a lot. I also want to pick a creative course of studies someday and besides school, I tried to build that up and I can say now that I had great opportunities last year but I also had to prioritize a lot in terms of school. I probably could've get a higher score if I had chosen school over those things, but this is not what I wanted.

Maybe that's the reason why I started to study for exams only the night before and I have to admit that I took my finals just like that. I only studied the night before. It's probably not the best method to deal with school and graduation in general (I'll get the results in June, so this may be exciting) but I had the feeling that my whole body was just fed up with all the negativity during these last years. I also never liked to look at my test results during the semesters and my friends and I always laughed about it. But only one of them genuinely asked me why I did so and I got the feeling that I should explain it now where it's almost over. Raquel wrote a poem that I've put into my former notebook where I noted all my grades and it describes all my feelings when looking at them:

I seem like I'm doing alright,
But the anxiety of this test kept me up all night.
Every essay takes all my energy to write.
But you only care about what my report card says,
So I can't even ask.
Is school supposed to make you want to die?

To the photos above: For 50 days before the end of my school time, I posted my photo diary on Tumblr and I thought I should save some of them on here before I'll delete my former blog there. I originally wanted to motivate myself for school and my final exams with it but I figured that if school itself doesn't manage to motivate me, then what does?


  1. Ganz viel Liebe für diese Worte, ich kann sie zu 100% nachempfinden!

  2. I´m also graduating this year and I kind of feel the same. When I was younger, I thought I would be really sad to leave school, not because I liked it, but because I had to go there every day for 12 years and met friends there and the end of such a long time is usually kind of nostalgic. Also, I couldn´t imagine not to be a student. But now, I´ve finally reached the end and it really came suddenly. There are only two weeks left, but for me, it doesn´t feel so. I don´t now how it will be not to see all these mepople any more or not to make this way every morning. BUt I don´t feel sad as I expected. When I talk to younger students, I think about how many years they have left and are really glad that it´s over. It ilke the time for something new has really come for me.
    I agree with your thought about the school system, too. There obviously is something wrong about that.
    I love the pictures, espially the last two with the colourfull paint. By the way, I think I´ve got the same German book, yay :D (Reminds me of the fact that I should better start studying now)

    1. My math teacher always said that we'll be missing it when we're finally out of school, like really out of it. And I saw many former students and friends missing it months after graduation when many things are unclear and there's no one telling you what to do anymore. I don't know if this is going to be the case after I'll get my certificate but I see why it is for many people out there.
      Thanks a lot for your comment. Those last pictures were from the Newroz celebration a friend of mine organised for refugees and where I helped by doing the face painting for the kids.
      I'm glad I don't need to carry that book everywhere now anymore, haha. I wish you all luck for your finals!

  3. Vor einem Jahr war in der fast exakt gleichen Situation. Man ist einfach nur unglaublich erleichtert, nicht mehr hingehen zu müssen. Seitdem war ich ein paar Mal zurück in der Schule und ja, es kommt eine gewissen Nostalgie auf, sobald man die Schulflure betritt, aber wirklich vermissen tue ich nur die Nachmittage nach der Schule mit meinen Freunden, vielleicht noch ein paar Momente, die über den eigentlich meist langweiligen Unterricht hinausgingen, aber das war's. Es ist nur unfassbar, wie die Zeit tatsächlich vergeht, dass man wirklich älter wird und das alles eingetroffen ist, was man sich vor paar Jahren kaum vorstellen konnte und noch in so weiter Ferne lag. Die meisten Veränderungen kommen einfach schleichend und sobald sie da sind, hat man sich wohl schon längst auf sie eingestellt, obwohl es nicht kaum möglich schien, denke ich.
    Ich wünsche dir trotzdem gute bzw. dich zufrieden stellende Ergebnisse, genieß deine freie Zeit. :)
    (Hatte übrigens auch das gleiche Deutschbuch, haha.)

    1. Ja, ich denke, so wird es bei mir auch sein. Man vermisst eher die Momente mit den Freunden - vor allem, wenn jetzt alle ihre Wege gehen und der Kontakt wahrscheinlich eher gelockert wird. Ich bin sehr gespannt, was die "Nachschulzeit" mit sich bringen wird - es ist als würde man gerade ein dickes Buch fertig lesen und jetzt nach einem neuen suchen.
      Danke sehr, das wünsche ich mir auch, aber ich bin auch ein wenig realistisch hier, also helfen nur Wunder, haha.

  4. Ich bin jedes mal so erleichtert, wenn ich auf Menschen treffe, die die gleiche Meinung zum Thema Schule / Bildungssystem haben, wie ich.
    Ich mag den Post.